What type of crap are you willing to tolerate

On By MarishaIn Mindset & Well-beingLeave a comment

The questions we usually ask are: What activities bring purpose to my life? What do I enjoy doing? What am I passionate about? These are all good questions but they miss something important: everything sucks, some of the time.

As Mark Manson asks, “What’s your favorite flavor of shit sandwich?”

It’s about what we are willing to tolerate in order to get the part we love. I love dance, for instance, but I am not willing to endure the injuries that one gets from dancing all day. I am also not willing to deal with all the uncertainty that every artist has to put up with. Ergo, dance is not my main preoccupation.

I often wonder whether I truly enjoy research. I love asking the big questions, and it also fascinates me to find practical ways to study them. It’s beautiful to see a clever experimental design and marvel at the creativity that went into coming up it. I learn from such designs in the hope that one day I will be able to come up with experimental like that myself and study the questions I find intriguing. But there is also a lot of uninspiring work that goes into all of this. Learning the methods of analysis, sitting in front of the computer, creating excel tables or matlab matrices, creating tiny stimuli, programming behavioral tasks, applying statistical analyses to neuroimaging data… Basically sitting in front of the computer a lot and dealing with details when one actually wants to know the answers to the large-scale questions. To be fair, I find some dorky enjoyment in some of those technical tasks. But a lot of it is booooooring and tedious.

For me the question is whether it is worthwhile to spend a few months on tedious tasks in order to briefly reach some outcome that might (or might not) give me an inkling of an answer to the question I wanted to address. It really does take a lot of time and effort to make a small step forward.

But then that’s true of probably anything. I am still working towards a clearer answer to whether that’s worthwhile for me, but so far it seems like it is. I may be willing to tolerate a large amount of tedious tasks in order to, at the end of the day, know that I have made a tiny step towards understanding how we perceive and experience the world. If I had all the choice in the world, this is the question I’d be answering, and research is one way to examine it (art is another, but let’s not go there right now). So for now I’m sticking with the shit sandwich of doing many technical analyses to try to reach some answer.

It’s also liberating to realize that there isn’t one amazing option out there that you’re missing out on. No matter what you do, it will suck at least a little bit, so you don’t have to keep looking for that perfect occupation. Good enough is good enough. Now all you need to do is figure out what is good enough for you. Good luck there…

A Choice: An Extrovert or an Introvert Tonight?

On By MarishaIn Mindset & Well-being1 Comment

I often have a dilemma on a Friday or Saturday evening: do I stay at home cuddled up with a book or movie, or do I go out, be social, talk, dance, and laugh? Last weekend I experienced this dilemma particularly intensely.

This is the choice between our introverted side or our extroverted side. For some people it’s an easy choice, since one is more powerful than the other. For me the two are of similar strengths, so the answer is not straightforward.

On Friday, I had spent all day at the university and then done some work. I had a cozy dinner and cuddled up on my couch with a book (yes, I’m still in love with the book I wrote about here). I was supposed to meet my friends at 21.30 (9.30 pm) to go to a karaoke bar, but by the time I had to get ready, my eyes were drooping. I wanted to go to karaoke, I really did. I knew it would be fun. But at that particular moment my whole body was begging me to stay on that couch, under the soft blanket, and keep reading quietly. I listened to that plead. I apologized to my friends and stayed in the comfort of my home, my book, my relaxation. It was such a pleasant evening that I could feel my heart melt.

Then Saturday came. I was supposed to go out with a friend that evening, but he got sick. Suddenly I panicked: I really wanted to go out that night but my plan fell through. I called several other friends, but no one wanted to go out with me. I felt utterly lonely, and I cuddled up on the couch again with my book. It was enjoyable, but I also felt sorry for myself. Then a friend messaged me and invited me to this rock concert. I considered it: it sounded fun, but was I really in the mood for it? I had almost decided not to go, when I thought I’d check out what music the band was going to play at the show. Oh, it was awesome music! With a sudden surge of energy, I got dressed and went to the concert. It was so absorbing to listen to the music and dance! Being there in the crowd, watching the band, and letting the music sink in was so enjoyable. Afterwards my friend and I met some new people and stayed with them for the rest of the night, talking and dancing. This fun evening took me by surprise. The next morning I was smiling.

On Friday evening, I was happy to stay home and indulge in my book, following my introverted side. On Saturday evening, I was glad I got up from my couch and had a night full of music and people, following my extroverted side. Perhaps the balance between the two types of activities made me happy. One day I gratified one part of me, and the next day I appeased another part.

How do we choose when to pursue our introverted side and when to follow our extroverted side? The two evenings I described offered opportunities for both. I was uncertain about what to choose, but I listened to some cues. On Friday evening, I was really tired, so staying home appealed to me more. On Saturday evening, I was lonely and wanted to have fun, so I decided to go out. It’s not really so simple since there are many aspects that we consider before making a decision. But the cues are there, and we just need to tune in and notice which one is most important to us at the moment.

Interestingly, often we’ll be happy either way. Sometimes there is an event happening and you have to go. You might feel tired or in a different mood, but you go anyway. At times this can result in an unpleasant evening. But most often, your mood switches and suddenly you’re enjoying yourself. The extroverted and the introverted side don’t have to be so mutually exclusive. I can switch from one to the other quickly often, adapting to the context. In this way, I don’t need to actually make a decision but I follow the outside world. It can be surprisingly freeing.

The context can often make the decisions for us. We still guide the context, but not so strictly. Perhaps I can choose to go out on one of the weekend evenings and stay home on the other evening, providing myself a nice balance. But on which evening I do which can be left up to friends, events, chance, etc. And when we really have the choice in our hands, like I did last weekend, we can listen to the internal cues. Perhaps this is a good enough heuristic?

When desire takes over

On By MarishaIn Mindset & Well-being2 Comments

You can judge me all you want, but I want to read this book. I know I should study, work out, run errands, talk to people, but right now I solely want to read this book.

I love making plans and doing things calmly, predictably, in a set manner. But sometimes desires kick in and knock me off my feet. Right now it’s the utmost desire to keep reading this one book. At other times it’s been to eat some delicious food or to have sex or to watch some superb film. Regardless of what the actual object of the desire is, the feeling is always the same: it’s a yearning deep in my chest and my gut that pulls at me and drags my mind away from anything that is not the object of the desire.

The feeling is kind of wonderful and kind of destructive. The excitement it brings cannot be matched by anything else. It makes me very energetic and passionate, so I feel I could lift up a mountain if I had to. But this feeling also destroys my ability to focus on anything else. I have to follow my desire, or else I will do whatever I am doing with only half of me. And, even if I do do what my yearning tells me to, I will be exhausted and spent after a while. Some years ago, I spent long, long hours watching amazing films. It was all I had wanted to do, so I indulged. After a few hours, I wasn’t feeling joyful but listless. I didn’t have any energy to do anything else, but I still couldn’t get my mind off of the characters in the film and the unanswered questions. It was impossible to do anything else, but it was also unfulfilling to follow my desire.

This is a horrible vicious circle to be caught in. I found that the best thing to do then was to get out, take a walk, breathe fresh air, and look around. So what was I to do with my yearning?

I think I’ve found a clue. Since last night I had wanted to read the book I am obsessed with now. I told myself no: there are other things I need to do, and besides the book is probably not that good anyway. I’ll wait until tomorrow, and by then I will have forgotten about it. Well, not exactly, today still every second thought I had was about that book. So I indulged in it. I read for about half an hour. Oh, how good it felt! Then I sat down and worked again. I was happy and also concentrated. Because I had read a little bit, I had acted upon my desire and had received the enjoyment. I hadn’t indulged into it for so long that I would lose touch with this world and find it impossible to come back (this is not necessarily a bad idea sometimes, but on many occasions it’s suboptimal).

I had enjoyed my favorite activity for a little bit, so it energized me and brought me joy. Then I felt ready to return to my world again and act in it. In a few hours, I will go back and read some more. Perhaps in this way I can follow my desire, that powerful, impulsive drive, and also fulfill other parts of my life that are more constant, monotonous, and calming. It’s like trying to make fire and water live together. I wonder if it’s possible.

Your Priorities

On By MarishaIn Organization & ProductivityLeave a comment

Choosing your priorities is the first thing you need to do before you take any actions. So do it now (or after you read this post).

Why is this so important?

One reason for this is that it allows you to clearly identify what’s important to you. Many of us tend to spend the majority of our time on our job, studying, housework, or something else. But is that the best distribution of our time? Do we spend a sufficient amount of time on the things that are most important to us? In order to make sure that we are, it is helpful to have a clear hierarchy of the projects we undertake.

Very practically, having a list of priorities can also resolve time conflicts. If, for instance, you are wondering if you should do some work or go swimming right now (and neither is particularly pressing), you can take a look at your priorities list. If doing work comes before swimming, then do work; if swimming comes before doing work, then go swimming. This gives you a simple answer to your dilemma. In some cases, you will feel unhappy with the outcome. To take up the same example, your list might tell you to do work, but you may strongly prefer to go swimming. If this happens often, then you know you need to re-order your priorities in order to be true to your preferences. So go ahead, put swimming before doing work!

How to determine your priorities?

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First write down the activities, events, things, and people in your life. You can start general with things like working, studying, doing sports, taking care of my pets, etc. Then order those around according to how important each is to you. Here is a sample list:

  1. Keeping close with my friends, family, significant other
  2. Taking care of my children
  3. Taking care of my pets
  4. Keeping myself healthy
  5. Working
  6. Studying
  7. Doing sports
  8. Meditating
  9. Doing housework
  10. Running errands

Once again, this is only a sample list. I don’t even agree with it. But it demonstrates the idea. You can get more specific as you identify more specific projects. For instance, related to “Doing sports,” there may be “Running,” “Strength training,” and “Walking.” These sub-projects are related to the main one, but each of them may have a different priority. You need to try this out in order to see how much specificity is helpful to you.

Try to act according to your list once you have it. Make sure to spend an amount of time that feels sufficient to you on your top priorities. You may still be spending more hours working than taking care of your children, but this may feel appropriate to you. It’s not about the absolute number of hours that you spend on an activity; it’s about what amount of time you find appropriate to fulfill your projects.

Sometimes conflicts will happen, and you will have to make a compromise. For instance, even if you prefer to spend the evening with your boyfriend and your boyfriend is more important to you than your classes, you may still have to write a paper for your class that night. That’s just how it is sometimes. But in that case note that you have made a compromise with your priorities and make sure to spend another evening with your boyfriend in order to fulfill that priority.

Personally for me, my priorities list serves as a reminder about what’s most important to me. When I get pulled away by energy- and time-consuming tasks that are actually not central to my values, I can regain my perspective by glancing at my priorities list. For example, I may be spending hours and hours on this one assignment, worrying about whether I will manage to finish it and whether it will be good enough. At some point, I remember my priorities list though. There it clearly says that classes and thus assignments are less important than my physical and mental health. This allows me to take a breath and go more easily on myself. In this way I regain my perspective of what is most valuable and what is less valuable.

Let me know what you think about this! Do you find a priorities list helpful? Do you have a variation of this that you’d like to share?

I’d like to thank Rebecca Fraser-Thill from workingself.org for sharing this idea with me. I have found it quite useful!

Ideas for a Good Life

On By MarishaIn Mindset & Well-beingLeave a comment

Here I will discuss ideas for the good life you want to live. Some examples are:

  • How do you choose your priorities?
  • How do you spend time on things that matter?
  • How do you manage your time practically?
  • What tools can you use to help you with time management?
  • How do you keep your perspective while going about your life?
  • How can you be mindful of your life, yourself, others, and the world around you?

And many more to come…